The Agony of Planning… Part II

If you missed part one of this post, please read it.

There is no such thing as filling the void of a loved one; however, we can feel a love around us when the planning is taking place. It was bad enough having my father die at such a young age knowing he would not walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Fast forward and I felt my world come crashing down even more once my Mom-Mom died because she is the one who said “I want to see you get married!” Well, if Heaven is considered VIP Seating, she’s got the best seat in the house with my dad so that makes me feel a bit better.

You see my mom walked my sister Ashley down the aisle 5 years ago and frankly, I’m not certain she will walk me down the aisle because that is my decision. I tossed up the thought of having my dad’s brothers walk me, another “father figure” in my life and/or even walking down with my fiancé, Tony. Walking down the aisle to the altar isn’t about someone giving you away, it’s about… you can read all about that here which lays it out quite nice. I will most likely walk solo down the aisle, given that I do not have a panic attack in the back or run away somewhere crying my eyes out making the ceremony begin late.

There is SO much to think about when planning a wedding and it’s dang near overwhelming. I’m a floral designer and this is what I do for a living. After much practice, continued practice, schooling, competitions, you name it, often times I feel I can design a bridal bouquet with my eyes shut and 10 elevated designs in 200 minutes. That averages out to 20 minutes per centerpiece. The rest of this planning, I’m not educated in so that is why we’ve hired professionals to handle all that for us. And, the little decisions that are actually quite big in the grand scheme of things especially when a loved one is not present puts a damper on things. I know, I know… they will “always be with me” and “I’ll always have the memories forever”, but that still doesn’t make it any better. Sorry, Susan it doesn’t and you know that.

I’m going to miss them, but will not allow grief to bring me down. This is a celebration of life and I’m thankful for all those who are willing and are able to attend our wedding. Though my father will not be physically present, you better believe I’m still designing a boutonniere for him as if he were present. It’s going to be fabulous and fun just like him.

Those who are deceased will be with me in Spirit and with all the Angels and Saints, I’ll get down the aisle with ease to marry my fiancé!


Our wedding will be grand, I know it. It was the second best decision after thinking about getting married in Italy. Do you want to hear all about that ? Okay, I’ll tell you a little. We had a few glasses of red wine and delicious dinners as we talked about where we wanted to get married. I’m a parishioner at Holy Name of Jesus Cathedral. It’s beautiful. When I first walked in, I had crazy anxiety. Satan is evil you know and he never wants you to receive the Eucharist. After the 3rd time attending Mass and going to confession there, I felt at home. Later, we stated the Cathedral is where we both wanted to marry. We also said a few months after our engagement that Italy was a grand idea. We could visit Deacon Justin, fly Father Mark (Tony’s cousin) from Spain and we’d get married! I think Tony’s sister was on board with this as well. Having the family on board was very unlikely and would most likely cause pain, stress and disappointment. This was all my plan to “run away” and not have to really think about those who have died that I’m having a hard time with not being present for our wedding.


Incase you skimmed over that last paragraph, moral of the story is we are not getting married in Italy. The look on my Aunt’s face when we told her our “thoughts” last year was let’s just say not good. Her son, Deacon Justin Gough is becoming a Priest and will marry us in August of 2020 here in Raleigh, NC. We are praying Tony’s cousin, Father Mark who is in Spain can fly here and co-celebrate with Justin. (He will be Father Justin after June. 20,2020). When me and Tony stared talking I told him I wanted Deacon Justin to become a priest before marrying us because I wanted us to see him get ordained. It was such a beautiful time for Deacon Justin and his family when he was ordained a Deacon.

… Part III – Season Finale coming soon…

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